And on the 7th Day...

"Stress is basically a disconnection from the earth, a forgetting of the breath. Stress is an ignorant state. It believes that everything is an emergency. Nothing is that important. Just lie down." ~ Natalie Goldberg

Last week, I had an emotionally and physically demanding week. On Saturday morning I woke up after a full night's sleep, feeling drugged. I puttered, (more like dragged, puttered connotes some kind of energy), around the house in the morning and had a 2 hour nap in the afternoon. On Sunday I spent the morning dreaming and planning a trip to the Charlottes and the afternoon sitting at our Yale property staring at the Fraser River and contemplating not much of anything. And it was good.

An Excerpt From My Solo Experience in June

I just realized that I had zero chocolate yesterday. This must be the first day of abstinence in months. It was unintentional really. I paddled for 6.5 hours on Okanagan Lake, looking at mansions of decadence. No chocolate on board. Maybe that was it. Too much richness and affluence all in one day. If I had chocolate on top of that, it would just make me sick. I guess if I would have purchased free trade chocolate, I might have been o.k. The thing is, I never even thought of chocolate the whole day. Maybe I'm turning over a new leaf. A green, environmentally sound, healthy, self disciplined sort of leaf.

I want to buy local fruit only. I want to buy organically grown meat only. Eat less meat. Use fewer resources. Make environmentally friendly choices. I think my stress level is directly related to not living out my convictions. I say all these things about slowing global warming and making a difference, turning the tide. I think the thing is that I'm not willing to sacrifice my lifestyle.

I lived by very strict rules for most of my life, am now experiencing more freedom from guilt, only to grab hold of another religion. All those years of living within the bounds of church doctrine, I feel like I held back some of my natural desires and inclinations for decades. Even though I'm sold on this new religion, I'm not quite ready to follow all the rules.

This is depressing, isn't it? I need me a cause. Why can't helping people to employment be enough. Why can't all my rich friendships and family relationships be enough. Why can't writing on a blog be enough. Why can't caring about the environment be enough. Why can't reading enriching books be enough. Why can't paddling and cycling and hiking and ... be enough. I want to make a difference in this world. How much self aggrandizement is involved in this desire?

I suffer from"It isn't enough" disease. I need to have more compassion, more tolerance, more respect for people who are different than I, people who have different rules for life. Lately, I've been impatient with process. I wrote a blog on stupid people (but didn't publish it) and how tired I am of trying to help people who don't seem to have a clue how to make sound decisions. How condescending is that? I'm tired of expectations, mine and everyone's. I'm tired of trying so hard to do things right. I'm tired of caring.